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_i'm Samira.

_i live in Seattle.

_i'm figuring out what it is i'm going to do with my life. soon.

_i keep coming back to nuTang and leaving again, but it's a comfortable place.
ohhhhh service industry
Saturday. 12.29.12 3:04 am
sometimes i just don't know what to do
what to think
how to act

sometimes i think i am someone else
sometimes i think i can act a way
that is not befitting me as a person

but what is befitting me as a person?
who am i?
what do i owe to society?
what really, can i do, or say, that is going to change anything?

nothing, really.

i am at an impasse.

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i can't even
Saturday. 7.7.12 5:51 am
deal with myself right now.
i'm pulling from my friend's bottle of red wine because she left it here
and because there is nothing else to drink
and because i feel like i need to drown myself in booze
because i feel so uncomfortable with myself
because i am in love
with someone
who is not
in love
with me
and never will be


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Wednesday. 4.18.12 6:57 am
Something was brought to my attention last night that I haven't previously contemplated, and that is the very real possibility of my being a hipster. I have never considered myself a hipster, nor even really given the idea of hipsters much thought. Considering the only places I have lived besides Seattle are Bushwick, Brooklyn, and Portland, Oregon, I'm not that surprised, I suppose.

In other news, I have moved back to Seattle again. I just can't stay away from this place, apparently. It's just so easy when I have jobs and friends and places to live and etc.

Also, this lovely lady rear-ended me and totaled my car! :( SO I have been busy. The whole debacle of moving is stressful enough without having to do it carless.

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Tuesday. 3.27.12 7:19 pm
Haven't been remembering my dreams...basically since I went home for St. Patrick's Day. I think this is due to my personal turmoil and conflict over whether or not to stay in Portland or to move back to Seattle. My brain is so tied up attempting to process all of the overwhelming options that I haven't any power left to spend on remembering my dreams. Maybe I'm really working things out in my sleep, so my inner self doesn't want my waking brain muddying the waters of understanding. Or something.

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No dream last night!
Friday. 3.16.12 5:40 pm
Due to having only a 45 minute nap instead of real sleep last night, I had no dreams! Currently I am on my way up to Seattle for a masochistic saint Patrick's day festival. Wish me luck! 28 hours of work in 3 days here I come!

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This was tough to get out for some reason.
Thursday. 3.15.12 2:53 pm
I was with my parents and my brother and his girlfriend (fictional) and we were playing in the water somewhere, it was beautiful and there was a huge waterfall, but leading up to the waterfall the water was really calm and pleasant to where you could walk right up to the edge without worrying about being swept away. My brother and his girlfriend ran up to the edge and flung themselves off, while I watched wearily from the edge. They both plunged down into the depths and then came soaring back up even above the edge of the waterfall with looks of ecstasy on their faces, waving and asking me to join them as they flew through the sky, and then fell back down toward the water. I finally decided to go for it and timidly stepped off the edge, and instead of diving face first just did a pencil dive. The falling was quite nice, almost like flying but not quite as blissful. Once I got into the water, I was confused, because I thought I shouldn't be able to breathe but I could. It was like there wasn't a real separation between the water and the air. My brother and his girlfriend were down at the bottom when I got back up to the surface. I asked them why I didn't bounce up trampoline style like they did, and my brother said that after jumping you had to dive down and force yourself back up. I wasn't about to walk all the way back up to the top of the waterfall again. My brother's girlfriend asked me if I was okay, and I didn't understand why. She said I had hit my head on a red sanitizer bucket (?!? Work is always interfering in my dreams somehow) that was floating next to them as I came into the water. I didn't think that I had, but I believed her, and then I felt the pain. It was as if I hand't actually hit the bucket but I materialized the pain and impact once she told me it happened. After I realized that I made myself feel it, I sort of had this cloud come over me and my dream actually transitioned into the next sequence.

I was walking around the neighborhood where I lived (fictional), and there were pieces of jewelry laying all around the ground. I picked up the ones that I liked, there was a piece of rose quartz that I picked up, there was a piece of larimar, and then there was something yellow that I also liked. I brought all these things home, as well as a black hello kitty umbrella with pink top and handle that was laying in the middle of the road. The house was a split-level, with a strange division in the family room that prevented one from seeing out of the window from the sitting area in the main room. I had placed all of these things on a table in the middle of the room. The lady came in and saw the hello kitty umbrella and accused me of stealing it. I told her I found it in the middle of the street and she could totally have it back, and she said she didn't want it for herself it was for someone. I told her please then take it, I just found it in the middle of the street, and she kept making excuses and talking about taking it but not actually doing it.

I was at this interesting skatepark type place where there was a kind of rollercoaster that was a public transit system, and it was mostly rails and one or two ramps. I was skating around and was actually proficient, I was there with my friend Daniel Mott (who doesn't skate either). I was having a really great time going up the ramps and around the rails, and it felt like...the way I was controlling the board with my weight was more controlled by my thoughts than my actual actions. It was bizarre. I was aware of how I was manipulating the board very cerebrally.

My friends and I returned to some restaurant that I we had been in, and I didn't remember very much about the time we spent there. It was an open restaurant, like in Hawaii, where there were no walls or ceiling and there were tables kind of spread around haphazardly. I walked over to a table and there was a very large hazmat/fireman type suit on it. I picked up the helmet and realized that it was my suit. There was puke all over the inside of the suit. ALL OVER. I distinctly remember smelling it in my dream, which is interesting, I don't normally recall smells. Then I began to piece together what had happened the night before at the place. Apparently I got hammered and puked all over the inside of my suit. As to why I was wearing the suit in the first place, I have no idea.

listening to: m. ward, right in the head

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